I get gamma knife radio surgery tomorrow. Stereotactic something or another. On the tumor that said “stable” on report after report. But then, a conscientious neurosurgeon, dare I say, a friend, cared enough to look, then look again. “I hate to say this, but it looks…fuller,” he said and he leaned back and pulled his […]
Hey, you. Remember me? I know, it’s been… a minute. Some things have changed, good things mostly, some hard things. I’ve lost people, and found some others. I’m a mom now, that’s pretty cool. Pretty all consuming and exhausting but oxygen providing. She is sustenance and love wrapped up in chubby little arms and a […]
This morning as I let my body sink into savasana after my yoga practice, I played a song by Brandi Carlile. Her powerful voice gently lulled me into the earth, and as I felt my body sink into a haphazard relaxation she sang, “I’m beginning to feel the years, but I’m going to be okay, […]
I haven’t written here in a while. I just stopped wanting to write about my health because it became something that was too big for me to put into words. The constant fear that I kept at bay through a careful maintenance of “fight or flight” mode slowly started to collapse around me. I also […]
On Friday it will have been 3 months since what was hopefully the last of many brain surgeries.While I am quietly hopeful at the thought of resolution, it is not easy for me to inhabit my skin, this body, or this world with this new news. While everyone acknowledges alongside me that this will be […]
I don’t like to be redundant, so I won’t describe my pain again. But, I don’t know if it is too redundant to say that I am in it, pain, that is. I spent the last 40 minutes wailing like a baby and fumbling with drug bottles. You see, I had a rough night, I […]
They say if you love someone let them go. I don’t know who they are, but they don’t tell you that if you let go of someone you love, or they let you go that it hurts like a stupid son-of-a-bitch. That’s what they don’t tell you. They also don’t tell you that they are assholes […]
I have a routine for bed time. I am not by nature an organized or regimented person, I don’t go to bed each night at the same time or wake up each morning with the sun. Each night and each morning are a careful balancing act of desires, expectations, and capabilities. Being “in-recovery” or “sick” […]
I recently thought I had made progress on the emotional side of healing. The physical side, well that was a mess, and my CSF just can’t seem to want to stay in my body so we do what we can do. And I secretly hope that Herbert hasn’t grown and I hope and hope that […]
I guess life is about expectations. If you set yourself up for success or failure by believing a certain outcome is imminent, if it doesn’t turn out how you anticipated you end up, well – disappointed. That’s why hope is such a dangerous thing. A beautiful thing, but a dangerous thing. Usually when you start […]
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