Why I write

The night before my official diagnosis with an acoustic neuroma I had an idea of what I had based on my sister (a doctor) and I’s amateur analysis of the MRI over the phone. She graciously told me what I had and told me not to worry and wait for the doctor to advise. I […]

In defense of trying: redefining thriving for a new body

I figured something out about myself. I’ve stayed, in a way, frozen to a version of myself. I used to think I was stuck in a protracted childhood because my tumor caused me to regress, but then I was like, mehhhhhhhh, that sounds like a lot of psychoanalytical pucky. But I knew I was stuck. […]

Update on a piss poor attitude and a desire to be a bit less haggard than I am

It was my first morning home from the hospital that I noticed it. A barely there drop of spinal fluid that shot out as I exhaled and sat up. “Aw crap” I thought to myself as I rummaged through the bag of undies and post-surgical instructions I had brought back from the hospital with me. […]

Withstand

It hurt. I woke up, throbbing, beating, pounding. “Is it my heart?” I wondered to myself as fatigue took over my limbs. “It’s in my head, I can feel my heartbeat in my head. Wait, no, can I?” I suddenly remembered where I was, who I am. “Ah fudge,” I thought to myself, “it’s all […]

Live like you are living

There’s a phrase I have a conflicted relationship with. There’s songs about it, memes about it, stories about it, all with one motto: “Live like you were dying.” It’s some kind of an attempt to get us to live in the present, to conquer fear, to jump off that cliff we’ve never known we’ve always […]

The Whole Damn Thing

I’ve been in a foul mood. I’ll admit that. Until now I’ve been unwilling to admit why. I act like it’s because I am an unwitting victim of a brain tumor and that the universe is out to get me. I don’t really believe that, and that’s not really why, and I really figured that […]

“The only way of knowing a person is to love them without hope.”

I was working on a paper last night and I found that quote as I pored through the works of Walter Benjamin, trying to understand memory, love, images, hope. I still don’t understand but I found this quote very powerful. You see this weekend I found myself crumbling under the weight of the unconditional love […]