After my first surgery, the first night in the hospital my mom stayed by my side, jumping for every moan and groan. In that moment she taught me what it is to be a mother. To be relentless for her child. I saw the same gusto in my dad as he asked questions and pored […]
When I was a little girl my Dad would read me a great deal of poetry. He helped me understand it and cultivate my own sense for how to string together words and thoughts. He often read me this poem that later appeared and reappeared in my life, be it through schooling, in film or […]
Transition is a funny thing. It is altogether liberating and terrifying at the same time. Given that there are some things that ought to remain constant. The core of who we are, the people we are socialized to be, at some point a percentage of that person is cemented, we become set in our ways […]
They say pain is what makes us stronger. It teaches us. Pushes us. Forces is to grow. What does that mean? Is it true that to appreciate the amazing moments we need to see the horrible ones? That to see beauty we must understand what it is to see what is ugly? Is it physical […]
I should be asleep, or more likely doing the work that I carry around with me as I lackadaisically wander around my house. I go from room to room, hoping for some kind of inspiration or motivation. I should be working right now, there are things due tomorrow that I am not even close to […]
When I was recovering in the hospital my boyfriend brought me a sweater, one of his, to hold on to when he couldn’t be there. Recognizing that my family wanted to spend time with me in the hospital and visitor space was limited he bowed out gracefully the first night so that my scared mom […]
I started this blog to chronicle a journey that I didn’t understand so that when i am on the other side of it I can look back and remember where I’ve been and then move on. I fear today, just one day past my one month anniversary I have slid backwards in my recovery. It’s […]
Anyone who has kept up with this blog regularly knows that my life is in a perpetual countdown mode. A countdown to surgery, a countdown to recovery, waiting for appointments, counting how many hearing tests, counting how many MRIs, counting stitches, counting inches of the scar, counting hours until my next pain killer dose, counting […]
I was working on a paper last night and I found that quote as I pored through the works of Walter Benjamin, trying to understand memory, love, images, hope. I still don’t understand but I found this quote very powerful. You see this weekend I found myself crumbling under the weight of the unconditional love […]
The toilets in my house are really clean. Like seriously clean. Eat off me, rest your cheek on my seat clean. Disinfected, gloriously shiny and smelling like the janitor just came through clean. Why? because I cleaned them. Because it was mindless. Because it didn’t involve facing anything. I can’t face it. I can’t face […]
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