Pain pain go away, come again another….never

They say pain is what makes us stronger. It teaches us. Pushes us. Forces is to grow.

What does that mean?

Is it true that to appreciate the amazing moments we need to see the horrible ones? That to see beauty we must understand what it is to see what is ugly? Is it physical pain that teaches us? Emotional? Why is it that those people who experience the most pain are, well, not life lovers remarking at the beauty of daisies, but crotchety old cynics. Or are they? Hmmm. I know, MIND BLOWN 🙂

I’ve certainly learned from my pain. Every moment of it. Physical, mental, emotional. Every push past it, I learn. I fight. I grow. I ache. I learn. I fight. I laugh. I’ll win.

What’s it all for? Oh, I certainly have no idea. Being a “life is about the journey and not the destination” type of woman, I don’t really spend too much time searching for the meaning of life or of why life seems altogether empowering and fleeting at the same time.

I am still uncertain about a lot but here’s one thing I have found in the last few days.

Some of your friends, the ones you always thought would be there, they turn out to be total shit.

Then again, in the wake of that there are throngs of people stepping up graciously and lovingly to take their place. Some I’ve always known, others are new friends but they’ve taught me that even when it seems quiet, dark and lonely. They all show up. Sure you parse out those who care and those who don’t. But most of them? Well they are just downright amazing. Most of them have been patient as I holed myself up in phd school, never giving up on me even though I never could show up for anything. Others call every single day. Checking in. Caring. Other talk when we can or not often at all, but the love, it’s always there. Always.

You see my mom got back surgery this last week and honestly it was much harder on her than we’d hoped. She is in the clear now, recovering beautifully but to see her pain, to feel her fear – it brought us all together but it broke our hearts. And we held each others hearts together with our loving bond. I know, I know sap fest 2013. Lets all cry it out.

And when we were tired friends showed up. And texted. And called. And even those friends who had no idea, still managed to somehow send love this way when we needed it. When I needed it.

I’ve learned something about people. For every shit person there are a hundred good ones out there. So I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I believe in other people. I believe in their humanity.

My head hurt today. The medicine didn’t work and I even briefly debated dipping into the Percocet I brought home from the hospital back in December. I didn’t. Instead I worked out, put my laundry away and made a nice dinner for a friend. I lived. Perhaps slightly lazily and somewhat lamely but I got through this rough, painful day.

I was inspired by my mom, my friends, my coaches. I just knew, that today, in this moment I am fine and I can do this. I learned that from a friend.

My head hurts today. Maybe there’s a reason, maybe it’s just the stress of wrapping up my first post-Herbert semester (wahoo!) or maybe it’s medical. Who knows? I’ll get a CT angiogram (I heard it makes you feel like you’re peeing yourself…..eeeek) next week and get real answers but until then, who cares? Not like I can do anything about it. So I’ll wish it away but when it’s here I’ll handle it, live with it, and hopefully I’ll even learn from it.

Peace and love –


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