When I was recovering in the hospital my boyfriend brought me a sweater, one of his, to hold on to when he couldn’t be there. Recognizing that my family wanted to spend time with me in the hospital and visitor space was limited he bowed out gracefully the first night so that my scared mom could spend a sleepless night by my side. I held that sweater next to me all night, the comfort it brought me is one of the few things I remember clearly from that night. The next day he showed up, that night he stayed with me and all the while I held that sweater next to me as I saw him uncomfortably sleeping on the couch by the window. When we got back to the condo we stayed at after I was sent home from the hospital, though he was staying with me he couldn’t sleep next to me, so I slept with that sweater. It got soaked from my ice pack, it was wadded up in a ball under me. I hugged it every night, it was my safety. He would wake up every few hours and I’d roll over to find him standing over me with my medicine, a glass of water or a comforting hug or hand placed on my neck. In those moments I felt safe. I felt loved and I felt like everything was going to be ok. Many people helped me along my journey to recovery, and he was one of the most important ones and was just that same support to me before I even knew I needed it. Just a few days ago when a scary headache suddenly hit, he held my head as I cried. My one wish for all of you is that in this life you experience that kind of love. It’s real, it’s messy and it’s not always perfect or pretty but it’s genuine. It heals you even as it puts you on edge. It makes you feel alive even when it pisses you off. It breaks your heart because it is just too big to hold.
Before I knew I had anything wrong with me Jason pushed me to be my own person and encouraged me, he was proud of me. As someone who needed support he came to doctors offices in every state with me, held my hand and poured me coffee in every waiting room. After I healed he laughed with me even when our circumstances were shitty. He took me to dinners and watched movies with me even when I was a debby downer. He drank coffee with me while we worked and shared his business with me. He pushed his uncertainty about our future aside to enjoy moments with me. I had no ability to do the same. He’s my best friend, love of my life, and my hero.
Peace and love –