When I was a little girl my Dad would read me a great deal of poetry. He helped me understand it and cultivate my own sense for how to string together words and thoughts. He often read me this poem that later appeared and reappeared in my life, be it through schooling, in film or […]
Yesterday was 6 months to the day that I had brain surgery. I spent yesterday afternoon sitting between my parents and one of my closest friends waiting for my turn to be screened. To be screened. To be examined. To be poked. To be prodded. I waited. For an answer. For a resolution. For an […]
Transition is a funny thing. It is altogether liberating and terrifying at the same time. Given that there are some things that ought to remain constant. The core of who we are, the people we are socialized to be, at some point a percentage of that person is cemented, we become set in our ways […]
They say pain is what makes us stronger. It teaches us. Pushes us. Forces is to grow. What does that mean? Is it true that to appreciate the amazing moments we need to see the horrible ones? That to see beauty we must understand what it is to see what is ugly? Is it physical […]
I’ve found a trend in my writing about letting go of control, and I suppose I thought that meant being totally fine in the face of whatever shit hit me directly in the face. Taking my face-shit contact with a smile. Ta da! There’s that shining good attitude. What I’m realizing now is the grief, […]
I have been trying to hold on to some kind of a resolve. I’m resolved not to be sad about my tumor. I resolved not to let the tumor run my life, it wouldn’t define me. I was resolved not to ever let my moms chronic back pain get her down. I made her yell, […]
It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything on here. Partially because I didn’t know how to articulate what I was feeling, partially because I didn’t want to seem like a whiner, and partially because there’s not always much to say when you are just “getting by.” I have been angry and frustrated as […]
I have had a lot of moments in the last few weeks where people somehow think that because I’m contemplative that I’m sad. I do, like any other human, on occasion get sad. If I didn’t, well that would just be weird. Then I’d be a weirdo, and I am for sure not a weirdo. […]
It’s been 6 weeks since my surgery, 6 weeks from the day that would seal my fate. 6 weeks. 42 days. 1008 hours. And sometimes I even counted down the minutes. Lying there, clutching my head, or the moments, seconds before a sneeze and a laugh, the moment where you can choose to fear, or […]
I’m three weeks out from my surgery. It’s funny, I thought once I had surgery the counting would stop. I was attached to a calendar leading up to surgery, I counted down until the moment I was sitting all alone in that hospital gown in that cold pre-surgical bed. Now I count the days of […]
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