I have been trying to hold on to some kind of a resolve. I’m resolved not to be sad about my tumor. I resolved not to let the tumor run my life, it wouldn’t define me. I was resolved not to ever let my moms chronic back pain get her down. I made her yell, “I am not a wussy ass bitch!” In the worst moments of her pain. It wasn’t even my issue to solve, but I wanted to. I resolved not to worry about the surgery she has coming up. I resolved not to be sad about Jason. I resolved not to be angry, bitter or cynical in the wake of watching us fall apart. I resolved not to slow down. I resolved to charge forward without a break. I resolved to act and dress ok and hope the rest would follow. I resolved to breathe through my pain. To be there for others. To be strong. To get better. To be brave. This whole series of events, that I don’t seem to be able to extract from one another, that I put in conversation with other things that need “overcoming,” well, I’m tired of them.
I’m tired of all of it. It really has been a devastating series of events. Just painful and hard and gritty. And yes, I recognize how wholly ungrateful that sounds. It’s one of a handful of years in life that prove to me that all those things we casually assume never happen to us? They do. I’ve had other instances of this in my life and I’ve let them go but right now? I’m still in this, I’m still tired.
It’s a strange reality to know that no amount of optimism and funny memes can make real life change. We don’t have control over everything. We cant will things to be different. Oftentimes love isn’t enough. Faith isn’t enough. Sometimes shits just hard. The things we believe in, they can’t carry us forward, we have to work hard and carry ourselves forward. Well, I resolve to move forward.
Perhaps it is the weight of finals, perhaps it is that my favorite show, The office is ending, maybe it’s just a bad mood. Whatever it is, My heart, while bursting with the love and friendship I have seen, feels broken. And tired. And really, just kind of irritated.
Don’t worry though, I’ve resolved not to let it rule me!
Those of you who are inclined to read into my thoughts and pathologize me casually in texts or when you see me, don’t. I’m not sad, I’m not lonely, I want to focus on me. I don’t need to be rescued or be asked if I can take on what responsibilities I’ve been given with my life. Though I appreciate your concern. And while life is hard I still see how lovely it is. I still laugh everyday, I see that life is a beautiful thing, it’s just that I would be straight up nuts if this last few months hadn’t made me at least somewhat tired.
We set resolutions and create resolve to find solutions, to make things better. To resolve something is to bring it to its end, or to tie up its loose ends. Maybe it is to find the happy ending. By loosening my grip on all this resolve I’m not giving up or throwing in the towel or sinking into a deep depression, I’m just being human. Relinquishing control of the uncontrollable. I’ve been working on physically doing this. In my workouts I had noticed a hesitation, an apprehension to give it 100% for fear of a headache or leak or I don’t know, maybe Herbert would fall out ass-first. Then my doctor said something that stuck with me, “you have to live YOUR life, you have to get back to it.” I began to let go of my fear. If problems happen, they happen, you face them as they come. So I’ve been running faster, lifting harder, working to the point of absolute failure. And? It’s been great. So now I resolve to let go of all that goddamn resolve and walk away with new resolve, to let go. To embrace (maybe a bit begrudgingly) whatever happens and handle things as they come. Because otherwise the weight of the world begins to weigh us down, and we can’t carry it, it’s too big of a burden.
Peace and love –