I’ve never been that great at being alone. I mean, I live alone and truly I thrive in certain ways, but I’ve never been great at those times where I have extended periods to strategize and coordinate for myself. It’s why writing a dissertation, when I really get down to it, will be a rough go for me. It’s just that I can’t be alone with my thoughts too long. The venom creeps in, the weight of it all seeps into my skin and I go into a noxious spiral of negative thoughts.
It’s like when you spiral out while Facebook stalking, suddenly the whole world is having fun without you and you, well you’re just there, trying to sweat out the anxiety from your broken heart and broken body.
I pretty much just imagine everyone in their striped matching PJs yelling at the computer, “Is everyone hanging out without me????”
So I try to distract and distance myself from the heart break of my recent life. And generally I do okay, write it in a journal and get it out, go for a walk, go to the gym. Normal things to help my body let my mind let go for even just a moment. I try to focus on the real and genuine outpourings of love, which are bountiful and fulfilling. I try to embrace the love I have been given and it really does help. Everyone who has been here for me, you’ve helped and continue to do so in so many ways, if not just for helping me thicken my skin with your words of hope.
But it’s snowing.
And I just had brain surgery.
And I miss my ex-fiancé.
Ok, so, distractions… What do people do when it’s snowing? Oh I know! Skiing!
Wait, you know, maybe not this soon after 3 craniotomies, plus I barely trust myself to drive around the block.
Oooh! I know, snowshoeing.
Ok that’s dumb.
Ok, alright, inside stuff. Work! I can work!
I tried it, didn’t help. Stupid work, why can’t you be more sexy?!
TV! You love TV.
Turns out even I reach a saturation point with TV.
I even tried a long walk with the dog, in the blowing snow, it was, how you say, overrated.
I’m just, stir crazy.
So I sit here, with my venom, it’s buzzing right below the skin, pulsing out of my scars, begging me to pick at them until they bleed and I regret picking so hard. I’m trying to replace the venom with silence. The silence the snow brings to a city. The silence that allows us all to look at the sparkly white sidewalks in hope. It’s like a clean slate falling from the sky urging us to let the quiet resolve of healing and resilience in. So I am trying, to heal my heart and let that clean slate in. And sometimes we must know, that some of that venom stays, even once we’ve quieted our minds and healed our bodies. It stays and it reminds us of where we’ve been, but once we’ve moved forward, the venom doesn’t take over, love does. So here I sit, in the silence, knowing my virtue lies in my ability make my experiences seem like they were magically meant to be, to bring me here, to this moment to admire the snow as I figure out how to move forward.
Peace and love,