Muscle through

Im so goddamn tired of being tired. I’m so frustrated with “healing” or what no one in the medical profession let’s you know feels like stagnation alongside a quiet resignation of a new reality for yourself. A sad reality,where everyone worries but no one knows what to do, including me. It’s interesting to realize how quickly the world keeps going as you slowly try to reintegrate into it. It’s interesting to find how painful it can be to not have the zest for life you once had. It’s interesting to want so desperately to work,to learn, to play,to support,to laugh, to smile but your depressed energy reserves, palpable fear, chronic pain, and even the concerns of others keep you cemented to your spot.

My doctor told me I could go back to work. He told me it would still feel crummy but I could “muscle through.” He told me time away from the hospital would do me good. He didn’t tell me that muscling through is rather lonely. He didn’t tell me that fighting hard to be enough in a world of bodies of varying abilities is hard and frustrating. He didn’t tell me that whether I muscle through, grin and bear it, or do nothing at all but rest, it hurts. And frankly, that fact sort of pisses me off. If it’s gonna hurt anyhow, I may as well enjoy the ride.

It does feel crummy, and I have a nervous energy that won’t quit. So I decided, I can rest later, today, I name it here, if it’s going to hurt, than I might as well as enjoy myself despite the pain.

I’m rejoining the world full force, blood, sweat and tears. 

I hope it works, because this quiet restful thing wasn’t getting me anywhere. Plus, I have a radio active lumbar puncture coming up so I might as well enjoy myself in the meantime, or at the very least get back to work, to learning, to exercising, to loving fully no matter how worn out I get.

Peace and love,

Samira

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