So a longer post will be coming soon where I detail what I consider to be the key points of one of life’s more harrowing journeys just so you have it, straight from the horses mouth. But here’s the down and dirty… So I woke up this morning literally to the thought, “welp, I lived to see another day. So far so good.” And that’s about where I’m at. The days are not fun, nor are they easy. The feeling of losing every ounce of independence and needing friends and family to take you for “twice a day walks” is degrading, sad, pathetic. Though the walks are in all respects the better part of each day and I am eternally grateful to each of you who has so graciously walked me. My family has shown their true colors…phenomenal and done a top notch job taking care of me. Barring my twice a day mental break down I’m emotionally stable though be prepared when the nausea and vertigo totally take over my body I am the person yelling shoot to kill in the corner, and I really don’t believe in guns so wrap your head around that one. I warn any prospective shooters that if you shoot to injure I’ve simple got more problems. Also know that I am kidding. I really don’t want to be shot, my sense of humor leaves a lot to be desired. I think I’ve made it through the worst of the pain after a near return to the hospital and a four day Percocet infused blur. The dizziness, nausea and vertigo continue to be the most pressing symptom as well as the mostly deafness discovered post surgery on my right side by a doctor that looked like jack from lost. That and a tinny sweet taste in my mouth all the time, likely from the manipulation of my facial nerve. I’m pissy a lot asking why me or silently doing an ugly cry in the corner but I have discovered the latest way to lose ten pounds and render me, what I am pretty sure my best friend would tell me is, skinny fat. So at least I have that. I do feel minuscule improvements each day and everyone seems to be falling over me wishing me success. I’m glad they are so happy and appreciate the well wishes but know for me this life is not good enough. I am fighting to see more progress as fast as possible so that I too can see hope in myself in the way you have all seen hope in me. Currently it is a day to say struggle which to me doesn’t have an easy horizon. There are too many unknowns but I do see improvements and am counting on those to push me. I don’t feel particularly pretty anymore and I am not fully myself in heart and humor yet but seeing my family all decked out in the t-Rex t shirts Jason and I gave them for Christmas and seeing them all laugh at our idiocy made me know I’m still in here. Under this wobbly mess of a human being with horrible flipped out and hair and 90s hobo attire is me. A little more unkempt than usual but still fighting. As my sister says, it was a line from one of my favorite songs in high school, “I gotta get thru this, gotta make gotta make it throughhh…” She’s right and I have all these wonderful weirdos in my family here at the ready to make me laugh.
I got this. In the meantime thank you for the love, the prayers, comments, likes, it has all meant so much especially at my loneliest hours. If you haven’t received a reply I’m working on it, pretty much everything gives me a headaches these days so I leave my phone and laptop in the corner on the floor powered off most days. Just know that I couldn’t get through this without you. All of you.
Peace and love